Saturday, April 4, 2009

No more secrets

Like so many others, I have a secret. My secret is only a secret to my family however and my hope is that by sharing more of my life with the world, including my family, it won’t need to be a secret any longer. Our family has many secrets that we hold and I’m sure we’re no different than most in that regard. Secrets have a way of slowly breaking down relationships because they keep us from being authentic and honest with those we claim to love. We fear their judgment, rejection or believe that if they knew the truth, they would be hurt. We judge the person from whom we withhold the truth as too weak or fragile to handle the truth and slowly we begin to unconsciously shut them out.

On Halloween in 2005, I was out of work, living on my savings from the stock I was given when I left my career as a systems analyst/computer programmer back in 1999. That day I was bored and had just discovered CraigsList. I decided to post an ad to give erotic massages to guys, primarily focusing on straight or bi-curious guys. My thought at the time was that it would be a fun way to pass the day and perhaps make a little cash. I hoped a hot guy or two would respond but I was over-whelmed with responses. Not only my day but my whole week quickly filled up. I was shocked by the responses from guys, both in the sheer number of them but also by the words from many of them. There was such a desire for this type of erotic touch but it was desire coated in fear and shame.

By the end of the 3rd week of doing that, I realized that this was more than just a way to pass some time and that there was the potential for a steady stream of income. In discussing this with my partner, he supported me completely in exploring this possibility and helped me find a space to set up shop. My first space was in an artist studio. It was just an average room with a large sink in it. It was affordable, functional and quiet. Perhaps too quiet. Immediately next door to my space was a studio being used by a used bookstore to process the books that they received. They were very quiet and after a couple of months they complained of “strange moans and groans” coming from my space and the manager gave me the boot. At the time it freaked me out because I had visions of the police showing up and hauling me off to jail. Fortunately that didn’t happen and it actually worked out, not surprisingly, for the best because I got an even better space because of the move.

At the time I was just doing erotic massage and including prostate massage to help guys learn to begin to fully love all parts of their bodies. I guess in my mind I hadn’t really put a label on it other than “erotic massage”. It was some time in the middle of the second month that in one of the emails to me a guy asked “will you have condoms and lube?” Condoms?! Why would I have those? I’m not a whore! Those were the first thoughts that ran through my head and I quickly dismissed him. The question though continued to nag at me.

The next morning as I lay in bed I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Why would he ask me such a thing? That wasn’t anything I had offered in my ads. When my partner came to kiss me goodbye before heading to work, he could see that something was bothering me and asked if I was okay. I told him what had happened and with tears in my eyes I asked “Am I a whore?” He smiled gently, brushed my head and said “Well of course you are sweetie. Any type of sexual activity and the exchange of cash qualifies you as a whore. It’s just word though. Why are you so upset?”

His words still ring through my head as I write this over three years later. Without realizing it, I had become something that in my mind was the lowest of the low. Whores were uneducated, desperate, disease ridden, drug addicts who were doing what they did because it was all they could do. That wasn’t me. I was doing this to help guys feel better about themselves. I was using Reiki to help them heal mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was a healer not a whore. Turns out, I was both. Still am.

I wish that I could say that my journey to be at peace with saying that was a simple, easy, and logical one but it hasn’t been. In becoming the embodiment of my worst fear, a whore, I’ve had to really examine my beliefs, judgments and intentions around sex. That journey and the learning’s which have come from the experiences is what I want to share in this space. Sex is an experience that most all of us have had whether it be with someone or as masturbation. I have much to share about this experience and its deeper connection to our spirituality. I invite you to join me as I begin sharing the essence of that connection with you as well as the process of telling my family about my work.

I encourage you to visit my website and learn about my work and my personal background because it will help you understand me a bit better. That site is http://www.maleeroticevolution.com/. I’ve come a long way from the little boy born in a small, racist town in North Alabama. I’ve learned a lot through the amazing experiences that have unfolded in my life, the incredible teachers I’ve had along the way and the guidance I’ve received. My connection to Spirit is strong and some of the information I have to share will be troublesome and controversial but these messages need out and now is the time for me to bring them forward.

I believe we live in unprecedented times and we’re about to undergo change beyond a scale that any of us have ever seen. For many, the messages I’ll be sharing may be scary when taken at face value but when viewed from a deeper perspective, they can be very powerful and incredibly liberating. Despite what I believe lies ahead for us as a species and a planetary body, I’m excited to be alive during this time and I look forward to the journey.

2 comments:

  1. As one of your first, if not the, first client, I appreciate the evolution of your work since November, 2005. I am still your client, and anticipate I will continue to be.

    Thanks.

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  2. Hello dear Michael!

    I enjoyed reading your first entry as many of the feelings you had about offering this work, I had about recieving it. When I first saw you I was feeling pretty broken, in fact I think I started crying with in the first 5 mnutes.I can tell you now though I think of you as a healer. I found our work thus far to be so nuturing. I has made me more aware of myself and those around me. When friends ask if it is like a "whore thing", I always say that yes it can be verey intimate, but it is so much more than that. In many ways I think of you as my mentor, even my therapist. Often though we are using touch and a physical connection rather than words. I feel blessed to know you.

    Dan

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