Live in the present moment. Such a simple sounding statement but to fully do it is one of our greatest challenges on a personal level. We are creatures of habit and most of what we do is because it’s what we’ve always done. We view life and our experiences in it through the reflection of our past experiences and we deal in generalities. For the most part we are guided by our fears and we cut ourselves off from the power that is possible only in the present moment.
I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. When I hear anyone use the word “God” I almost immediately recoil or cut them off because I believe they hold the same limited view of God as those in the Baptist church. Rather than allow myself to be hurt by their angry words again I mentally block them out or discount them. It’s not something that I’ve consciously set out to do but certainly something that I’ve begun to notice that I do unconsciously. Unfortunately that’s not the only thing I do like that, thus the challenge of living in the present moment.
Those that know me know that I’m not a big fan of “The Church” especially Christian churches and that is because I’ve suffered so many wounds from them and see the hurt that the teachings have inflicted upon so many others. I deal with men every day who live in shame of who they are because they believe that the Christian teachings are gospel. Even if they are no longer associated with the church, their past association has them believing that the Bible is God’s doctrine. These beliefs were given to us, of course, by the church because it’s what those in power believe. The Bible itself is shrouded in mystery and controversy.
My problems with the church are many but at the core the issue is their limiting belief of God. In essence they teach that God is a judgmental superhuman that has created everything and is sitting in judgment of our every action. At the end of our life we’re then given a big reward or tossed into a pit of fire as punishment. Eternal pleasure or pain awaits our soul as a result of 70 to 80 years of human life. It just doesn’t add up yet we’re taught to fear this wrathful God and to judge ourselves mercilessly as a way to win favor with this being. That view and even concept of God is so limiting and causes so much pain in our world.
After graduating from high school and spending the next 20 years running from the church and all their teachings I came to realize that I need to face my fears and try looking at it another way. Slowly over the last 10 years of my life I’ve watched my life transform as my view of God, or Source as I now call it, has changed. I no longer project my human views and qualities onto that entity rather I see Source as an energy field from which all of creation has emerged.
Science teaches us that everything we see in the physical realm is made out of atoms and molecules. These group together and form cells. Cells group together and form the animals, plants and minerals. At the subatomic level we are all a collection of billions of molecules acting together to form our bodies. That energy field which created the molecules that then becomes me or you is what I think of as Source. It is the source of our existence and it is the field to which our bodies will eventually decay and return to. In essence it is what Christians would see as the Creator, Heaven and Hell, all in one. It is simply another way to attempt to explain the unexplainable, but without the dogma.
In a way, it’s a lot like language. We took sounds that we made and formed an alphabet of letters from that. We take the alphabet of the language we speak and pair the letters together to form words. We impose meaning upon the words to define them and give them their power. These words then get grouped together to form sentences and paragraphs and thus express ideas and generate thought. Ultimately however if I could take all the words that you see here and shake them all together, we’d be left with a pile of harmless, meaningless letters. Our bodies are a lot like that. We are a bunch of molecules hanging out together forming the sentences which are our organs and the paragraph which is our body.
Ultimately the concepts of God, the Devil, Heaven and Hell are all constructs of the Church. All of these ideas were created by the church thousands of years ago to try and explain why we are here. Unfortunately these constructs have taken on a life of their own apart from the church doctrine but we lose sight of that. People spend time trying to say that their God is this that or the other and not like that. I think this is a source of much debate, discussion and divisiveness amongst people. It divides us rather than unites us.
I know for me, when I chose to leave the church, I ran from their judgmental teachings but held on to the concepts of “God”, the “Devil”, “Heaven” and “Hell” and sought other teachings that explained these “entities” as more loving and compassionate. It wasn’t until I really took a deeper look at the source of my fears relating to these concepts that I realized I had to drop these concepts as well to fully live in the present moment. Each of these words holds the energy that has been put into them by the church. Stop for a moment and think of any one of those words and just watch all the ideas and concepts that emerge in your mind. That is the embedded power of words.
In understanding that these words have this embedded power and we can seek liberation by selecting new words which describe our truth rather than trying to find a better definition of the old words. For example simply choosing to use the word “Source” rather than “God” is not enough. It’s not just choosing a different word for it, it’s about being aware of the definition we hold for the words we use and using words that describe our truth. We must liberate our minds from these concepts which divide us and ultimately lead to war and destruction and instead focus on what unites us as a people. Ultimately none of us will exit this life alive so we have to ask ourselves what will bring us joy, peace, love and happiness until that departure time arrives and put our focus on those things.
This is where awareness comes in. Words that lead us to judgment cut us off from experiencing life in the present moment. We can’t be open and accepting to life unfolding and sit in judgment of it at the same time. Judgment holds us to the past. Life is in the present. Our true power resides only in the present moment. Be aware of your thoughts. Claim your power. Transform your life.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Reactions
Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten a lot of responses to my “No more secrets” posting. That is certainly a word that holds a strong emotional charge with a lot of people. The main response from my clients has been to tell me that they don’t see me as a whore but rather as a healer. Their loving support has been so clear in their responses but the fact is I am a whore…BUT that’s not all that I am. It’s just one tiny part of me but it does not define me.
Many words describe me but I don’t know of any single word that defines me completely. When people see that my work involves sexual contact, whore is a word that comes to mind because of the energy that the word holds. I have to be willing to own that part of me and its association with my work otherwise it becomes part of my shadow self. Our shadow self is all those parts of ourselves that we deny.
Part of the reason that I am doing this blog and sharing this information about myself is so that I can begin to more fully express my authentic self. When we hide a part of ourselves from others either by omission or by denial or rejection, our personality becomes splintered. Often times when we experience emotional trauma, the experience can be so intense that we deny the experience happened so that we can continue to function rationally. We mentally block it out and even deny that it occurred. It is a coping mechanism but now that becomes a part of ourselves separate from the identity that we present to the world. For the most part we fool ourselves into believing that others can’t see it either. Anytime that we create a lie about ourselves or deny part of who we are, we create a splintered personality because we aren’t owning the full measure of our identity.
The more of these splintered personalities that we have, the further from wholeness we are. As long as we create different personalities to express to different people who we want them to think we are, we can never be whole. Wholeness is what I am seeking by removing the need to lie to anyone about anything that I am. Granted that’s not to say that I plan on sharing every little detail about who I am with everyone but I’m not going to deny something that is such a major part of my life. I do work that involves sexual contact and work is a major part of my life. What others think of me or my work is something that I cannot control but the choice to be honest about who I am is completely under my control.
One of my best friends who works as a Dominatrix, has been instrumental in helping me to own the whore part of myself. She told me that I could see myself as a “high calling whore” if I wanted but the fact is that it is still being a whore. I can try and deny that part of my work but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true, it just means that I’m in denial about it. I think that’s true for many things about many people, myself included. It is however just one small part of who and I am and it does not fully define me or the work.
Many of my clients tell me that they see me as a healer. I’m deeply honored that they can use that word to describe me and I own that as well. I’m also lots of other words…son, brother, partner, friend, counselor, teacher, student, Shaman, Yogi, Reiki channel…but no single word defines me, including whore. In order for me to be able to help others heal those splintered parts of their personality, I have to do the same for myself. I have to lead by example by learning from my experiences and helping others to learn from theirs. I don’t do the healing but I can help open a pathway for others to heal themselves. Healing comes from within. The essence of my work is creating a safe space for guys to learn to love themselves by exploring their sexuality and embracing the fullness of it without judging themselves for it.
The world in general wants to tear us down. In a competitive world there is the belief that to make ourselves look taller we have to cut off everyone else’s head. If we want to get ahead we have to leave everyone else behind. To make me look better I have to make you look worse. None of these beliefs really make us look any better. As long as I sit in judgment of you, it doesn’t mean that I’m better or even that my judgments are true for you; it simply means that I have a need to judge. To be whole we have to be willing and able to drop all judgments, of others and ourselves. In truth, the more we lift others up, the bigger we become.
That is the key to the healing that occurs in my work. By going into erotic space with guys and helping them learn to love themselves and express their desires in a healthy way rather than judging themselves, the more whole they become. Healing is simply moving into wholeness because our true nature is oneness with all that is. To be one with everything requires that we first become one with ourselves which includes our desires, our faults, our strengths and our fears. Ultimately everything boils down to either love or fear. I no longer fear the word “whore” but I also don’t let it define me either.
Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?
Many words describe me but I don’t know of any single word that defines me completely. When people see that my work involves sexual contact, whore is a word that comes to mind because of the energy that the word holds. I have to be willing to own that part of me and its association with my work otherwise it becomes part of my shadow self. Our shadow self is all those parts of ourselves that we deny.
Part of the reason that I am doing this blog and sharing this information about myself is so that I can begin to more fully express my authentic self. When we hide a part of ourselves from others either by omission or by denial or rejection, our personality becomes splintered. Often times when we experience emotional trauma, the experience can be so intense that we deny the experience happened so that we can continue to function rationally. We mentally block it out and even deny that it occurred. It is a coping mechanism but now that becomes a part of ourselves separate from the identity that we present to the world. For the most part we fool ourselves into believing that others can’t see it either. Anytime that we create a lie about ourselves or deny part of who we are, we create a splintered personality because we aren’t owning the full measure of our identity.
The more of these splintered personalities that we have, the further from wholeness we are. As long as we create different personalities to express to different people who we want them to think we are, we can never be whole. Wholeness is what I am seeking by removing the need to lie to anyone about anything that I am. Granted that’s not to say that I plan on sharing every little detail about who I am with everyone but I’m not going to deny something that is such a major part of my life. I do work that involves sexual contact and work is a major part of my life. What others think of me or my work is something that I cannot control but the choice to be honest about who I am is completely under my control.
One of my best friends who works as a Dominatrix, has been instrumental in helping me to own the whore part of myself. She told me that I could see myself as a “high calling whore” if I wanted but the fact is that it is still being a whore. I can try and deny that part of my work but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true, it just means that I’m in denial about it. I think that’s true for many things about many people, myself included. It is however just one small part of who and I am and it does not fully define me or the work.
Many of my clients tell me that they see me as a healer. I’m deeply honored that they can use that word to describe me and I own that as well. I’m also lots of other words…son, brother, partner, friend, counselor, teacher, student, Shaman, Yogi, Reiki channel…but no single word defines me, including whore. In order for me to be able to help others heal those splintered parts of their personality, I have to do the same for myself. I have to lead by example by learning from my experiences and helping others to learn from theirs. I don’t do the healing but I can help open a pathway for others to heal themselves. Healing comes from within. The essence of my work is creating a safe space for guys to learn to love themselves by exploring their sexuality and embracing the fullness of it without judging themselves for it.
The world in general wants to tear us down. In a competitive world there is the belief that to make ourselves look taller we have to cut off everyone else’s head. If we want to get ahead we have to leave everyone else behind. To make me look better I have to make you look worse. None of these beliefs really make us look any better. As long as I sit in judgment of you, it doesn’t mean that I’m better or even that my judgments are true for you; it simply means that I have a need to judge. To be whole we have to be willing and able to drop all judgments, of others and ourselves. In truth, the more we lift others up, the bigger we become.
That is the key to the healing that occurs in my work. By going into erotic space with guys and helping them learn to love themselves and express their desires in a healthy way rather than judging themselves, the more whole they become. Healing is simply moving into wholeness because our true nature is oneness with all that is. To be one with everything requires that we first become one with ourselves which includes our desires, our faults, our strengths and our fears. Ultimately everything boils down to either love or fear. I no longer fear the word “whore” but I also don’t let it define me either.
Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Judgments
Recently my partner and I were talking about my work and some of the responses he gets from friends and co-workers when he tells them what I do. Most people when they first find out what I do, they respond from a place of habit. Sex work means whore. Whore is bad. And they really don’t think much beyond that. I understand that but that’s simply patterned thinking based upon others beliefs and judgments.
I will freely admit that 5 years ago I held the same beliefs. I certainly don’t remember ever thinking that being a sex worker was something that I wanted to grow up to become. In fact, it was about the last thing that I ever thought I’d find myself doing because I’ve always thought that to be very spiritual I couldn’t be very sexual. Spirituality has been a guiding force in my life and many religious teachings downplay or even demonize sexuality. From as early as I can remember I have dreamed of being a healer therefore I thought I had to suppress my sexuality.
In ancient Babylonia before the birth of the Christian movement, Paganism was the dominate spiritual practice. People believed in worshiping nature and the Earth. They saw man as an extension of nature and sought to live in harmony with their surroundings. By understanding that sexuality was nature expressing itself as the desire to create, they honored its power. They personified nature’s ability to reproduce itself as the Goddess. Their religious beliefs were based upon worshipping the feminine aspect of the Divine.
In their temples, the females were in charge and used sexual energy as a way of connecting with the Divine. At the time, a “temple whore” was the human link to the Divine. They represented the Goddess manifest in human form and they used sexual practices as part of their worship rituals. The whores were highly respected leaders of the Pagan movement.
Other spiritual practices of the time, such as Tantra from India, played a part in this as well. These ancient teachings used the human body as the platform for connecting with the Divine. Rather than judging the movement of sexual energy through the body, they saw it as natural and beautiful and celebrated it. As an expression of the Divine, they knew it held incredible power and sought to use that power to move toward enlightenment.
All that began to change as the Christian movement began taking hold. As the Romans began to conquer the land, they brought their new religion with them. When any group invades a land to take control of it one of the first things they do is destroy the historical record of the inhabitants of the land. The best way to completely defeat a culture is to destroy all records of its existence. They also begin setting up a system of governance like their own. This includes religion and during the time that meant conversion or death were the options for non-Christians. (Does this sound familiar? Art museums and archives “mysteriously looted and destroyed in Iraq”…overthrown government…)
History is written by the winners. One of the easiest ways to control people is to control their religion. Make them fear a God more powerful than man and then align yourself with that God as its human intercessor. By creating doctrine that outlines the behavior you seek and demonizing their former religious beliefs and practices, you can more easily keep the followers of that religion in line. This is what happened when the Romans took over and converted (by threat of death) everyone to Christianity. The matriarchal Pagan teachings were replaced by the patriarchal Christian teachings. This meant that men were now saviors and Divine and women were second class citizens and whores were now considered evil.
As a country dominated by Christianity, does it really come as a surprise then that in America we hold these same beliefs? Whether we follow that belief system or not, that belief is ingrained into our culture and we are all products of that culture. If sex is where our true power to create is generated, then to remain in power over the people, you need to control their sexuality and thus control them. This has been the philosophy that has separated us from our power and causes us to believe that anyone dealing with sexual energy is bad.
It’s time that we looked at the source of our beliefs and challenged those beliefs to decide if they are true for us or if they are beliefs imposed upon or handed down to us. We all have bodies. We all have sex. As long as we believe that either are “bad” then we are locked into the belief that we are bad. The belief that we are bad holds us back from realizing our fullest potential as pure expressions of the loving energy of the Divine.
Just as we do with clothes, at times we must look at our beliefs and determine if they are still the right size for us. Those that we take on in our youth may not truly fit us as adults yet we are too often still guided by and in many cases are imprisoned by them. Unfortunately beliefs are harder to sort through because all too often we don’t even recognize them. We think what we think based upon our beliefs and we believe that “that’s just the way I am” or “that’s how I was raised” and we deny our power to change.
Any belief which causes us to sit in judgment of another is a belief that we need to examine more closely. Judgment separates us. Love and compassion unite us. The more we begin to recognize our oneness with the Divine and ultimately all that is, the more we know we must constantly move toward love in our every thought and every action. This is especially true to those thoughts and actions directed at ourselves. Loving all that is begins with loving ourselves completely and radiating that love outward from there.
Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?
I will freely admit that 5 years ago I held the same beliefs. I certainly don’t remember ever thinking that being a sex worker was something that I wanted to grow up to become. In fact, it was about the last thing that I ever thought I’d find myself doing because I’ve always thought that to be very spiritual I couldn’t be very sexual. Spirituality has been a guiding force in my life and many religious teachings downplay or even demonize sexuality. From as early as I can remember I have dreamed of being a healer therefore I thought I had to suppress my sexuality.
In ancient Babylonia before the birth of the Christian movement, Paganism was the dominate spiritual practice. People believed in worshiping nature and the Earth. They saw man as an extension of nature and sought to live in harmony with their surroundings. By understanding that sexuality was nature expressing itself as the desire to create, they honored its power. They personified nature’s ability to reproduce itself as the Goddess. Their religious beliefs were based upon worshipping the feminine aspect of the Divine.
In their temples, the females were in charge and used sexual energy as a way of connecting with the Divine. At the time, a “temple whore” was the human link to the Divine. They represented the Goddess manifest in human form and they used sexual practices as part of their worship rituals. The whores were highly respected leaders of the Pagan movement.
Other spiritual practices of the time, such as Tantra from India, played a part in this as well. These ancient teachings used the human body as the platform for connecting with the Divine. Rather than judging the movement of sexual energy through the body, they saw it as natural and beautiful and celebrated it. As an expression of the Divine, they knew it held incredible power and sought to use that power to move toward enlightenment.
All that began to change as the Christian movement began taking hold. As the Romans began to conquer the land, they brought their new religion with them. When any group invades a land to take control of it one of the first things they do is destroy the historical record of the inhabitants of the land. The best way to completely defeat a culture is to destroy all records of its existence. They also begin setting up a system of governance like their own. This includes religion and during the time that meant conversion or death were the options for non-Christians. (Does this sound familiar? Art museums and archives “mysteriously looted and destroyed in Iraq”…overthrown government…)
History is written by the winners. One of the easiest ways to control people is to control their religion. Make them fear a God more powerful than man and then align yourself with that God as its human intercessor. By creating doctrine that outlines the behavior you seek and demonizing their former religious beliefs and practices, you can more easily keep the followers of that religion in line. This is what happened when the Romans took over and converted (by threat of death) everyone to Christianity. The matriarchal Pagan teachings were replaced by the patriarchal Christian teachings. This meant that men were now saviors and Divine and women were second class citizens and whores were now considered evil.
As a country dominated by Christianity, does it really come as a surprise then that in America we hold these same beliefs? Whether we follow that belief system or not, that belief is ingrained into our culture and we are all products of that culture. If sex is where our true power to create is generated, then to remain in power over the people, you need to control their sexuality and thus control them. This has been the philosophy that has separated us from our power and causes us to believe that anyone dealing with sexual energy is bad.
It’s time that we looked at the source of our beliefs and challenged those beliefs to decide if they are true for us or if they are beliefs imposed upon or handed down to us. We all have bodies. We all have sex. As long as we believe that either are “bad” then we are locked into the belief that we are bad. The belief that we are bad holds us back from realizing our fullest potential as pure expressions of the loving energy of the Divine.
Just as we do with clothes, at times we must look at our beliefs and determine if they are still the right size for us. Those that we take on in our youth may not truly fit us as adults yet we are too often still guided by and in many cases are imprisoned by them. Unfortunately beliefs are harder to sort through because all too often we don’t even recognize them. We think what we think based upon our beliefs and we believe that “that’s just the way I am” or “that’s how I was raised” and we deny our power to change.
Any belief which causes us to sit in judgment of another is a belief that we need to examine more closely. Judgment separates us. Love and compassion unite us. The more we begin to recognize our oneness with the Divine and ultimately all that is, the more we know we must constantly move toward love in our every thought and every action. This is especially true to those thoughts and actions directed at ourselves. Loving all that is begins with loving ourselves completely and radiating that love outward from there.
Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Leaping
Yesterday I really put the pressure on myself with this blog. I sent a mass email out to my client base and told them about it. As scary as that was, knowing that I have an audience for this blog will motivate me to write and that’s what I’ve wanted. For quite some time now I’ve “intended” to do more writing but resisted out of the fear of not being a good enough writer, or having anything of value to say, or having typos, grammar errors…and on and on. One of the main things I tell my clients when I work with them, especially before their first session, is to push into their fears and the fears will dissolve. This is me taking my own advice and doing just that.
Yes, I’m sure that some things I say in here might be “junior league” spirituality for some who read it but it might be just the right message to move someone else deeper on their spiritual path. I’m sure that I’ll even use poor grammar at times and undoubtedly use too many commas and apostrophes because I do that all the time but I can’t let those little fears stand in my way any longer. I have to allow whatever comes out to come out and not be concerned with how it might be perceived. I have to focus on the inner guidance that has gotten me where I am today and that has motivated me to do this writing and realize that all those fears are connected to my ego and not my true essence.
I typically send a mass email out to my client base about once a quarter and I love when I do that. I have met so many wonderful men from doing the work and when I send those emails out, I always get so many beautiful emails back from them. It always lifts my spirits so very much to hear from them because they are always so kind and supportive to me. I feel truly blessed to have that relationship with them and I love when they share with me how something I said or that we did has had a positive impact on their lives.
From 1984 until 1999 I was a computer programmer and systems analyst. I was blessed at that time with a big pile of incentive stock that vested due to a corporate buyout and so I left that career so that I could pursue something where I could help people on a personal level. At the time I had no idea what that would be but I knew it was something that I had to do and with the turn of events that was going on it seemed that the Universe was encouraging me in that direction. Looking back on it now and reading the messages from my clients, I see that that is exactly what has happened.
The day that I was ready to turn in my notice (and terrified at the prospect of having no job), I received an email with the thought of the day that said “Leap and a net will appear”. For whatever reason that seemed to be just the right piece of advice for me and so I leapt and nets are still appearing. When I get emails from my clients telling me how the work has made a difference for them, I know I made the right choice. I’ve said many times that if this work can help even just one person say that it helped them in any way then it has all been worth it. At this point I’ve lost count of how many have said that so I know without a doubt that my leap of faith was meant to be. I feel so very blessed by their support and their stories.
So please bear with me as this process unfolds for me. Excuse me when I type “you” instead of “your”. Listen for the message rather than focusing on the words. I’ll try and extend that same courtesy to myself. I look forward to seeing what nets will appear from this leap.
Next leap: friends and family.
Yes, I’m sure that some things I say in here might be “junior league” spirituality for some who read it but it might be just the right message to move someone else deeper on their spiritual path. I’m sure that I’ll even use poor grammar at times and undoubtedly use too many commas and apostrophes because I do that all the time but I can’t let those little fears stand in my way any longer. I have to allow whatever comes out to come out and not be concerned with how it might be perceived. I have to focus on the inner guidance that has gotten me where I am today and that has motivated me to do this writing and realize that all those fears are connected to my ego and not my true essence.
I typically send a mass email out to my client base about once a quarter and I love when I do that. I have met so many wonderful men from doing the work and when I send those emails out, I always get so many beautiful emails back from them. It always lifts my spirits so very much to hear from them because they are always so kind and supportive to me. I feel truly blessed to have that relationship with them and I love when they share with me how something I said or that we did has had a positive impact on their lives.
From 1984 until 1999 I was a computer programmer and systems analyst. I was blessed at that time with a big pile of incentive stock that vested due to a corporate buyout and so I left that career so that I could pursue something where I could help people on a personal level. At the time I had no idea what that would be but I knew it was something that I had to do and with the turn of events that was going on it seemed that the Universe was encouraging me in that direction. Looking back on it now and reading the messages from my clients, I see that that is exactly what has happened.
The day that I was ready to turn in my notice (and terrified at the prospect of having no job), I received an email with the thought of the day that said “Leap and a net will appear”. For whatever reason that seemed to be just the right piece of advice for me and so I leapt and nets are still appearing. When I get emails from my clients telling me how the work has made a difference for them, I know I made the right choice. I’ve said many times that if this work can help even just one person say that it helped them in any way then it has all been worth it. At this point I’ve lost count of how many have said that so I know without a doubt that my leap of faith was meant to be. I feel so very blessed by their support and their stories.
So please bear with me as this process unfolds for me. Excuse me when I type “you” instead of “your”. Listen for the message rather than focusing on the words. I’ll try and extend that same courtesy to myself. I look forward to seeing what nets will appear from this leap.
Next leap: friends and family.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
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