Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Man Of Steel

Okay so the whole “I’ll blog during the de-armoring process” didn’t really work out. Here it is a full two weeks after the end of the two-week ceremony and I have absolutely nothing ready. I’m okay with that however because lots of great things have risen to the surface to share with you and I now once again have the motivation along with the desire to share it. My motivation was the missing component before the De-armoring ceremony but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It seems that all I wanted to do before the event was sleep as much as I could and since I blog in the quiet early morning hours, the two were in conflict and sleep always won. I can be very lazy.

In truth, my motivation was the missing component for doing a lot of things in my life. It felt like so many things in my life required me to push myself so hard to get it done that everything was a chore. That feeling that it was a chore caused me to build up a lot of resistance to doing it and that just made getting anything done even more of a challenge. Without realizing it, I was becoming my own worst enemy to accomplishing anything. I have a to-do list that is always full of things I want to do but desire alone doesn’t accomplish much.


I remember when I first heard about the Shamanic De-armoring experience at the Association of Sexual Energy Practitioners (ASEP) conference in Mesa, AZ a couple of years ago.  The leader of the Sweet Medicine Sundance Society, Thunderstrikes, spoke at the conference about the ceremony. One of the leaders of the De-armoring ceremony, John “Spinning Coyote” also discussed the process and something about their words let me know that I needed this. I wasn’t exactly sure why. It felt right but the timing wasn’t right for me just then. A year later, one of the guys I go to for massage went through it and his experience inspired me and I felt like “YES, I WANT THAT!” But again the timing wasn’t right. Finally this past September a dear friend went through it and I thought “here it is again…3 times this has been presented to me…I better move on it.” The timing was finally right for me and so in I went.

I won’t spend a lot of time going over the armoring/De-armoring process because it’s probably best to read their site for info on that. That is It’s really a beautiful site. It will speak to some who read it and others will write it off because it is too “out there” for them in their life or the timing isn’t quite right. Our Spirits always make the things that we need to do attractive to us. Those things which we do not need will also become unattractive to us. That simple act is how our Spirit works. It’s not about words, voices, thoughts, detailed discussions, visions or anything complex like that. Our Spirits are pure energy and energy doesn’t have words or images. Those things are products of the mind, not the Spirit. Our spiritual energy works like a magnet and attracts and repels what we need and don’t need. It’s far less complicated than our human minds want to make it. It is time that we all wake up to that knowledge.


I will share a tiny bit about the shape I was in when I went into the ceremony because it fits within the context of the sharing I’m doing here. I guess you could call me the “Man of Steel” because my armor was layered, shiny, polished steel. It really makes me smile to think of that because after breaking it off, I feel like Superman. The armor that we choose to create as a protective barrier is of course energetic. None of us are walking around with visible armor but we all “know” it’s there especially when we are honest with ourselves about our behaviors and “our stuff”. We choose to begin creating this armor from the moment we enter the world because we have no other defense systems in that helpless, infant state.

This energetic armor helps to shield things that we are not equipped to handle from reaching the core of our being. The skin and muscles also function as shields but they aren’t incredibly effective at the energetic level. We are born helpless and trusting and we don’t possess the verbal skills or knowledge to defend ourselves so we have to rely on our Spirit and energy field to shield us. In response to our surroundings, we begin building defenses to the environment as well as the people in it, even our parents. Despite the love that they had to bring us into this world, they too were wounded and armored beings and began projecting those wounds onto us right away as part of their drama.


Now that I have completed the de-armoring process I can feel the difference between having the full suit of armor and having a body which is free of it. If you think about how our energy system works at the most simple level, you can see how this armor affects us. Our life-force, or sexual energy, begins down in the lowest part of our bodies at the base of the spine and wants to move upward through our system and out the crown of our head. As this energy encounters each of the armored plates surrounding our body (see the graphic of that on the De-armoring site for reference, the armor restricts the flow of that energy. Whatever amount makes it past the first plate, hits the second plate and is again restricted. As each plate is encountered more and more energy is blocked and unable to continue upward to the higher spiritual centers of our energy body. Is it any wonder then that we feel so cut off from our true spiritual nature?

During the Dearmoring process, as each plate was cracked open and eventually destroyed, I began feeling more and more sensations in my body. Of course as each plate was opened all of my old “pain tapes” held in that armor were brought back up to be played again. The pain tapes are our memories of all the times we caused ourselves pain either mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. Fortunately the things which seemed too traumatic for me to deal with as a small child were either no longer an issue in my life (people, places, events) or as an adult I was able to see them from a more mature point of view and realize that those were the fears of an uneducated child. I was easily able to release those issues without them even needing to be processed. There were issues however which were more current and that needed to be dealt with. The armor we create isn’t just from early childhood. It’s a lifelong process that we continue as long as we are unconsciously moving through our lives in victim mode.


Below I’ll share one of the things which surfaced for me as I worked on cracking my pelvic plate because I believe it might help others, especially those reading this blog. The pelvic plate protects our life-force and our sexuality. As children, exploring our bodies is natural and beautiful and we hold no shame around this. Once the adults in our lives begin projecting their own sexual wounds (which have a base in family, religious, cultural and societal taboos imprinted upon them) onto us we begin to feel shame around our sexuality. Add the extra dose of hatred which is projected onto gay children about the expression of their sexual desires and the plates really begin to thicken. If there is sexual abuse, especially during our childhood when we are ill equipped to handle it, the shame and fear we feel about our sexuality not only leaves deep emotional wounds but also causes us to create layer upon layer of protective armor to try and stop the pain.

We are taught to feel shame. Shame for our bodies. Shame for our emotions. Shame for our sexuality. Shame for our desires, our needs, our thoughts and for our deeds. Is it any wonder then that we judge ourselves so harshly and punish ourselves so cruelly? Shame is the result of judgment. One must evaluate the object against some set standard to determine worth or value. This is how we determine if it is right or wrong, good or bad. All of that judgment comes from the summary of what we have been taught, what we have experienced, what we believe and how we see the world. Based upon some ideal criteria (that we choose), we judge ourselves and those judgments rarely seem to go in our favor. If we believe that we are not good enough, that belief will color our entire world and we will never allow ourselves to love ourselves fully enough because we are not worthy.

The truth is that we are all worthy and capable of infinite amounts of love. Only our beliefs separate us from that truth and that doesn’t mean it isn’t true, it simply means we won’t allow ourselves to believe that it true. Change your thoughts, change your beliefs. Change your beliefs, change your life. Change your life, change the world. Be the change that you want to see in the world.


As a young man I went through the youthful years of rampant sexual desire and moved into a more tempered state. As an adult, my sexual desires are less urgent and consequently my orgasms are less frequent. Somewhere along the line I bought into the belief that one ejaculation a day is all that I can handle “because I’m too old”. Since I do erotic work for a living, I receive a lot of sexual stimulation during a day and have developed techniques to limit that as much as possible in order to prevent an ejaculation while still being fully engaged with my body. Having that “I’m done” feeling during my first session of the day has made it challenging for me to be able to engage others erotically for the rest of the day. As a way to avoid too much sexual stimulation directed at me I have often said to my clients “During your session it’s not about my pleasure, it’s about yours.” That phrase has actually become an anthem for me…unfortunately.

When I began working on the pelvic plate in the De-armoring ceremony, it became painfully clear how much I was denying my own pleasure. In an effort to control and prevent an ejaculation, I have avoided and dodged contact with clients and my partner, devised many techniques and excuses and done lots of schedule juggling. If an ejaculation occurred early in the day, I’ve cancelled appointments, judged myself harshly or felt very stand-offish with clients and promised to work harder to prevent that from happening again. I’ve even experienced extended and repeated episodes of erectile dysfunction because on a subconscious level that was a defense mechanism that my body thought I needed to avoid too much stimulation and pleasure. All of this was done based upon the false belief that I’m too old to have more than one ejaculation a day. I’m totally not and I knew that because I’ve had days where I’ve had 2 or 3 ejaculatory orgasms in a single day and felt fine. Actually those were amazing days when I look back on them…thus the number of orgasms. I felt like a kid again!

Yet it just never clicked until that plate started cracking and I had to look at my stuff. Most people don’t do erotic work for their job so you may be thinking this couldn’t possibly apply to you. I invite you however to look at the ways you deny yourself pleasure in your life. Do you limit the free flowing expression of your sexuality because of dogma placed upon you by religion? Do you hide behind the wounds of past sexual experiences? Do you judge yourself for being a sexual person…especially if you are gay? Do you believe that you can’t be spiritual and sexual at the same time? Are you so disconnected from your body that you don’t even feel sexual desire any longer? Do you choose not to feel sexual because it might lead to engaging another person and that could lead to heartache?


Perhaps, like me, you’ve created an elaborate scheme of excuses and processes as a way to justify your behavior and it’s all based upon a false assumption which may have seemed true for you at some point in your life but is no longer the case. This happens when we live in the past (“I was wounded sexually in the past so now I’m damaged goods.”) or in the future (“I want to be a better person so I have to give up my sexual expression” or “I’m too old to be loved”.) and not in the present moment. When we really do the work to look deeply at our beliefs as expressed through our words, thoughts and actions, we can see how we limit ourselves in so many ways. As I’ve said time and time again, our beliefs shape our reality. Change your beliefs, change your life.

Changing your beliefs start with opening your mind to the present moment and being willing to look at things as they are now without the coloring from our wounded past. When we change even just a single thought about how we see the world, we open ourselves to newness. Opening ourselves to newness is the gateway to a world of infinite possibility and potential. With the problems we face in our personal worlds, nationally and globally, we have to be willing to let go of our old, limiting ways of being. In letting go, we can own our power and co-create a future unlike anything that we ever seen before on this planet.


So that was how the Shamanic De-armoring ceremony started for me. All this was just from the first three days and then it really got good. I can now say that I highly recommend this experience to everyone. You don’t need to be on a Shamanic path or an erotic worker but you do need to have a desire to release your old wounds. Your past is what created your armor unconsciously. When you begin to live a more conscious life, you will find that you don’t need to lug around all that old baggage and constantly replay those old pain tapes. Once you make the choice to step out of victim mode and choose to co-create with the Universe to make a life that works for you now, the armor just gets in the way. Armor keeps stuff out but it also keeps you locked inside.

How do you limit your power? How do you deny your pleasure?


  1. I limit my power through apathy. I tell myself I don't care about sex, relationships, or love. I tell myself that I don't need a partner, that I'm fine on my own. I try to imagine having someone close to me, and all I can see is me pushing them away. I tell myself that it's because I'm so independent, that I've always been on my own and that I prefer it that way. I need my "space".

    But is that really true? When I think that way, I wonder if I'm "normal". Here I go judging myself again. How can I say that I'm happier on my own instead of with a partner? How can I not have someone to share everyday stuff with, to sleep with, to have breakfast with, to watch a movie with? How can I not care about any of that? I seriously wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps it's just an incredibly thick plate of armor that I have developed over the years. My armor is not only spiritual, it's physical as well. I have developed such a thick sheet of armor that nothing gets to me. But I guess that also means that nothing gets out, doesn't it? I block myself at every turn. Try to lose weight--it doesn't happen fast enough, so I give up and eat a brownie after a couple of weeks. Want a new job--well, that may be a legit blockage at this time in the world! But I don't project the things I want. I still project negativity, although I'm better at being positive than I used to be (thank you, Prozac!). I know that what you put out is what you get back. So, if I'm not putting anything out there, that's just what I'm going to get back, isn't it? That makes sense, altho I've never thought of it just like that. Give nothing, get nothing. Hmm.

    I've had a lifetime of armor-building, as you said we all have. It'd take a lot to "crack that crust", as Sapphie told Eddie once. I don't even know where to begin to work on breaking it down. But you have given me a lot of food for thought, dear Pinto, and for that I think you. I'm also interested in any feedback you might want to send my way on the subject. You know I value your advice and input!

  2. Dearest Raine, it certainly sounds like you have presented yourself with all the answers you need right here by your own words. It is easy for us to find ways to rationalize where our lives are and find a way to be happy with that and thus there is no need to change. It sounds like that is what you've done. Having the awareness that it is what you've done and the desire/intention to change is all that is necessary. When we claim our power and say "My life is how it is by my design. Great! Now I am going to use that same power to create a different life!" then things will begin to change. If you sit in judgment of yourself then nothing will change. When we come fully into our bodies and the present moment and acknowledge our power in having created our lives without judgment then we recognize our unlimited, all powerful ability to change. Lean in to the discomfort. Find those places where your conscious mind says you should logically be comfortable/safe (going to singles mixers or online dating sites for example) but some part of you isn't comfortable and push yourself in the direction you want the change to occur. None of us NEED anyone else in our lives to be complete but relationships teach us a great deal about moving beyond the self by being part of something larger. Having someone to share your life with is wonderful as long as you are both WHOLE. Manifest wholeness from within and let that be the gift you offer to another...and settle for nothing less in return. You are worth it and you deserve all the love that life has to offer you but you have to open to it to receive it.