Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Coincidents

This past Wednesday was such a powerful day for me. If there is one thing I’ve learned by from doing healing work it is that my clients are mirrors for me. The issues that they come to work on will always have a component to them that I need to work on in myself. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it hits me in the face like a ton of bricks. The key is always in knowing to look for it rather than assuming that I’m only working on their stuff.

When I awoke that day I felt a little “off” somehow but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was more of an emotional feel than physical. I had three sessions on the books so it wasn’t a day that I could just cancel. My first one was a session where I got to work with one of my female partners, Joanne. I always enjoy working with her because she is so much fun and a real joy to be around. The second one was with a client I’ve worked with several times and am very comfortable with and who is in the process of accepting his desire for men after many years of marriage. He’s in his 50’s. My final client was one that I knew was going to be powerful.

Before I work on guys, I send them a list of questions to respond to so that I can begin to mentally prepare for working with them. His response was beautifully written but I could tell from it that he was a guy who was very “in his head”. By that I mean he constantly analyses every experience and approaches life from a very intellectual place. This is very common for men. This is by contrast to those who approach life from a more emotional place. This is very common for women. I could tell that he was very nervous about coming to me and also that he was living a very stressful life where he had to always be in charge at home with his partner and daughter.

After I finished my second client, I began feeling really unusual. I was overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn’t quite place or understand. It was so intense that I asked a friend who does energy-work to send me some energy to help me climb out of the funk I had slipped in to. I sat for almost an hour just staring out the window trying to let the emotions rise to the surface so that I could understand them. I finally realized that it wasn’t my emotions I was dealing with, it was my next clients. For many who read this, they may find that to be a very unusual thing to say, but it’s very common for me at this point.

We all have psychic abilities. All of us. Most of us deny them so strongly that we don’t notice the small ways in which they communicate with us and guide us. I used to be that way but since I left my data processing career and began focusing on my spirituality that has shifted for me. We all have shades of all psychic abilities but some are more prominent than the others, at least initially. Clairvoyants receive psychic images or visions. Clairaudients hear words or thoughts. Clairaliences received smells. Clairgustances get tastes. Claircognizances sense an inner knowing. Clairsentients receive feelings and emotions. I am primarily a clairsentient. This has been a struggle for me since most of my childhood I was very disconnected from my emotions because my own were too painful and now I know that I was also picking up others emotions as well. Unfortunately I didn’t have anyone around me as a child to help me understand what was happening.

In becoming an energy worker, I have been given the opportunity to more fully embrace, utilize and even rely on these psychic abilities. When I focus on the clients that I’ll be working on for the day, my spirit connects with them and I begin getting clairvoyant flashes of things to do with them or visions of how to work with them. Typically when they show up and I begin working with them, I can feel areas in my body that are areas in their body that I need to work on. I also begin to feel the emotions that they are feeling. By noticing these things I can work more effectively with them by helping them to balance these emotions by balancing them within myself. This is typically done by simply following the intuitive guidance I receive leading up their session and during the session.

About half an hour before my final client arrived, the mood began lifting, my head began clearing and I felt more like myself again. With new clients I always spend the first part of the session sitting and chatting with them. It helps me understand them and get a better feel for their needs and where they are mentally and emotionally in the present moment. The questions I ask them in person help me to more deeply connect with them and that guides me in further creating the experience for them or seeing how the flashes I’d already gotten connect together.

In chatting with the client, he told me that he had really been struggling with his emotions all day. He mentioned that he had really felt “off” but didn’t let that stop him from coming to the session. The way he described how he had been feeling was exactly how I had felt most of the morning. He however knew why he had been feeling that way. He was in a relationship where he was the primary bread winner because his partner had been out of work for the last two years. He was the one who paid the bills, ran the household, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, tended to the yard and was the primary care giver for their adopted daughter.

This was a relationship that he had been in for fourteen years and was with the man who was only his second sexual partner. His first sexual partner was also a guy who also had no sexual experience so he said it was like the blind leading the blind and that never really worked very well. Basically everything he had learned sexually, he had learned from his current partner…and that wasn’t working very well. By his own words they were “sexually incompatible”. Money was tight, life was hectic, stress levels were high and he was exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically.

Being the one financially responsible for his family was clearly wearing on him. He said he rarely did anything for himself. When he said “I do things like get the cheap hair-cut and buy inexpensive clothes so that I can support my partner and daughter” all the pieces began falling into place. He was in the same place I was in back in the late 90’s with my partner. He was about the same age I was then. I was very unhappy, in debt beyond belief, I hated my job, had a partner out of work spending like crazy and I was struggling to hold it together. I cut everything corner I could for myself so that I could continue to support my partner and our life…just like my client. I was in a low point in my life and I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it. He was a clear mirror of me 15 years ago.

In his responses to my questions, the client had said that he didn’t feel sexy and wasn’t sure how comfortable he would be being naked with me. He said he was very self-conscious of his body. He told me that coming to me was a huge stretch for him financially but that he had thought long and hard about this and had spent a great deal of time deciding on me. He stated that he just wanted to feel special, even if he were paying for it because he knew his “body wouldn’t know the difference”.

Typically once I’m ready to begin the bodywork, I have guys undress themselves and lay on the massage table while I undress myself. I asked him if I could undress him as part of making him feel special. He agreed. As I began to remove his shirt, he was visibly shaking and told me he was very nervous but wanted me to continue. He had an incredibly sexy, slim body and a very cute face. I couldn’t figure out how someone so adorable couldn’t feel sexy. But now I get it…just now while writing this…I felt horrible about myself at that time because of my financial mess and my troubled relationship. I was the lowest priority on my list. The last thing I felt was “sexy”.

The session was very powerful and I believe both of us got something from it. After the session, I was able to chat with Joanne about my day and the experience. It was at that point that she recognized something I had missed. Both of my first two clients names were Jim. The guy I was with in the relationship that the client mirrored for me was named Jim. He was also learning to deal with his gayness after several years of marriage.

Clearly when I look at how much the day reflects onto me, I can see where my spirit was trying to get my attention. When we have too many “coincidents” our spirit, or soul, is trying to get us to notice something. Typically it is something within us that seeks healing. After spending some more time this weekend examining the experience, I realized that there are issues that I need to resolve and heal with my ex…still! It’s issues that I’ve tried to just ignore in the hopes that he would just go away (even after being broken up for over thirteen years) and that I wouldn’t have to deal with. This experience brought these issues to light for me and so now I can deal with them. If I had just shrugged my shoulders and thought “wow, that was an odd day” or thought that it was all just about my client, I would have missed the healing that is possible for me.

By being aware that my spirit created an experience for me that brought about such an emotional upheaval, I knew to continue to reflect on the experience. I can now take care of a situation that I should have done long ago and that will be very healing. This is the type of healing that I tell my clients to watch for after a session with me. The internal work continues long after our time together is done. The work I do with my clients shifts their energy (and mine) and the results of that can become visible in the days following the session. All they need to do is hold their awareness on what changes for them or what part of the experience triggered any emotional charges for them. The healing doesn’t come from anything in particular that I do, but rather from the changes they make because of the experience.

Every experience in life is an opportunity for us to learn. Our spirits create every experience we have to help us learn to heal and grow. You don’t have to be “a healer” for that to be true. Every person, place and object can be a teacher simply by being part of our experience. Our “Awareness” is the key to discovering what needs to heal. I’ll be discussing that more in future messages.

What experience is your spirit creating for you today?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Whisper Game

Life in many ways is like the kids “whisper game” where each person whispers the phrase to the next person and it goes around the circle until it comes back to the person who started it. The phrase that makes it back is often very different than the one that started because each person hears it differently and interprets what they heard and passes that on. Much of what people believe today is a result of that same process. The difference is that much of what is passed on is deliberately changed to suit a purpose or is a result of life in a very different time and is superimposed upon our life now.

So much of what we think, what we believe, how we worship, and the way we live our lives is a result of the message being passed on like in the whisper game. We hold to beliefs that seem logical to our conscious minds yet they hold us back from the deeper truths. These same beliefs often bring us out of harmony with nature and in the long run can cause harm. These include but are not limited to our beliefs about life, death, nature, God, religion, love and sex.

To understand how we got to the beliefs that we currently hold on these topics, we’d need to go back to where they started. That in itself is an almost impossible task because so much of what we believe has been passed on to us in a whisper. If we step back further though from the belief, we have the questions that drew out the belief. Those questions are where we have to start to untangle the mystery.

If we go back to the time when consciousness first began manifesting as humans and language developed, it’s easy to imagine those first few powerful questions emerging. “Who are we?” “Where did we come from?” “Why are we here?” “What are we to do?” These four basic questions are what have shaped the way our lives are today yet rarely do any of us stop to reconnect our current beliefs with these original questions.

The answers to these questions are what have formed basic belief systems that we live with today. Our world religions were formed from these questions and whether we follow these religions or not, they shape our lives to this very day in so many ways. The supposed answers to these questions were passed on for thousands of years by word of mouth because surley they arose before we had the ability to write them down. Each person interpreted the answers and passed them on in a way that made sense to them. Eventually people began discovering that the beliefs they held were different than those of the people they met and disagreements arose. New beliefs began to be formed from these disagreements and tribes began to be formed based upon a shared belief system.

By the time that the written word became a reality, entire stories had been created to share the answers to these questions with those who were yet to come. These stories were recorded and just like the whisper game, they were added to and changed ever so slightly to suit the needs of those passing on the story. As the various world languages began emerging and these stories were translated, again the context was modified to suit the culture of the people who spoke that language. As these stories were written and passed on, they took on a life of themselves because now they were historical documents. The Bible is a prime example of this.

In our search to understand the meaning of life as expressed in the original questions, we have held on to myth, translation errors, misunderstandings, societal interpretation and fears of man in an attempt to “know the truth”. The time has come for us to step back in time and reexamine these “truths” and bring ourselves back into harmony with nature. This is what I will be attempting to do in these writings. I may not have all the answers but I believe a reexamination of the questions can reveal much the beliefs we hold currently that are not serving mankind, nature or the planet. Something has to change before it’s too late.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

New super power

I love my job. I really, really do. The longer I do this work the more I learn about myself, about the male body, energy, sexuality and humanity. The more I surrender into the will of my spirit and follow its guidance, the more things change for me. I’ve certainly began to understand my psychic abilities more through continued use and I’m grateful for that. There are also abilities that I never knew I had that have awakened within me and I’m still trying to learn more about them. The main one that I discovered about a two years ago is the ability to energetically transmit inner orgasms to the person I’m working with.

Around that time frame is when a client told me about the Aneros. The Aneros is a prostate stimulator that the manufactures say can help men become multi-orgasmic and even can achieve the “Super O” (as they call it). The tool itself is incredibly simple in its design but the technique certainly takes quite a bit of practice…but it’s worth it. The thing that most men don’t understand when they hear the term multi-orgasmic is that it doesn’t mean multiple ejaculations. Ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing. For men, they typically seem to be because they have always occurred at the same time. We’re never taught much about our orgasms because we learn about it as kids and usually have too much shame around our sexuality to ask questions and get guidance. As young boys we discover how good it feels to play with our cocks and away we go.

After spending time with the Aneros and learning how to have these inner orgasms for myself, I wanted other guys to experience that pleasure so I added information on it to my website on the resources page. Several of my clients bought one for themselves but most told me that it felt good but they weren’t really seeing results and certainly not the “Super O”. One client asked me if I could help him learn how to use it and I did. Eventually after enough guys had asked for that, I created a session which I offer to guys to help them learn to use it and to become multi-orgasmic.

I learned a lot about the male orgasm through these experiences. I also had to learn to describe the technique for achieving them, what they felt like and what to do to increase them in a way to help guys learn to have them because these orgasms are not achieved through cock stimulation alone. These happen through internal muscle control and prostate stimulation so it’s not something I can do to my clients externally to make it happen. I have to be able to talk them through what they need to do inside. In doing that I would find that I was doing the same thing internally so that I could help describe what they needed to do.

One day while working with a client on this process, I noticed that when I did the muscle and energy movement inside myself, he would respond with a little shiver or shudder, even when he wasn’t doing anything himself. At first it was subtle and I wasn’t really sure I had done anything or it was just a random, fluke occurrence. But the more I noticed in repeated sessions that these tremors were occurring in them from things I was doing in me, the more I began to learn how to do it more easily. Occasionally during a session I would do this and sometimes I’d get responses in them and sometimes not.

One day I was working with a guy and I had been manually stimulating his prostate quiet a bit and doing this technique and he really began having lots of little body shudders. When I stopped stimulating his prostate and just did the energy movements, he continued to have the shudders and they became a bit more intense. This went on for about 10 minutes. In that time I had pulled back enough from him that I was only in contact with the backs of his legs and he was still moaning and groaning in orgasmic pleasure. Eventually I was able to actually go and sit in a chair about 5 feet away and enjoy watching him continue to writhe in pleasure. All I had to do was stay focused on him and do this technique and away he’d go. This went on for 45 minutes. I had him roll over on to his back and started the technique again. I was able to watch him wiggle, squirm and moan in inner orgasmic pleasure for another 50 minutes while I sat in a chair and watched in amazement.

Naturally I began trying this with many clients and it was met with varying levels of success. I was doing work with my Tantra teacher at the time and told him about this. He had been multi-orgasmic for years and so he responded to the technique very easily. In trying variations on what I was doing, he was able to describe the changes in what he was experiencing inside. When I did one thing it would send warmth up his spine, another it would send shivers into his prostate and another would trigger orgasmic pulses. Eventually I invited the 50-minute-orgasm client back to see if it was a fluke occurrence and was delighted to see that it was even easier for me to do with him this time. I knew I was on to something.

The catch was that it didn’t seem to happen with every one every time. I’ve interviewed him to try and learn why it would happen so easily for him and not others. In talking with other clients where I tried the technique with and without success, one of the main factors I discovered was how long it had been since ejaculation, theirs and mine. I also discovered that it took several sessions with guys before I could get it to happen. Bear in mind here by “get it to happen” I mean I could see their bodies shudder from the pulses, they were not all experiencing 50 minutes worth of orgasmic bliss. There still seems to be some experimenting and research on my part for me to understand what conditions need to exist for me to get it to happen consistently.

So far I’ve just bumbled and stumbled with it trying to figure out how to control this ability (which my partner refers to as “The Orgasmatron”) but haven’t exactly found all of the parameters necessary. I think to do that I’d need a controlled study with many guys who met certain criteria so I could determine what factors are essential and which are incidental. I’m sure it would be a fun experiment but so far I haven’t really had the time to explore it at that level. Perhaps after writing this I might chose to focus on it a bit more.

The main point here is that I believe we all have gifts which are dormant or subtly active and that go unnoticed. It’s not until the timing is right that we awaken to these abilities. Everything happens at just the right time and in its right sequence. I liken it to building a house. You have to build the foundation and structure first before you build the roof. We have to notice the small things, open ourselves to change and embrace our power. When we are living in the flow of life rather than living in fear and fighting against it, I believe our true power begins to unfold. We discover things about ourselves that we never dreamt possible. That inspires others to do the same and that process continues and evolves way beyond the one who discovered it. Look at what all we’re doing with electricity. It’s way beyond what Benjamin Franklin could have ever imagined when he discovered how to harness that power.

I know that this is certainly not a gift that I would have ever been aware of having unless I had surrendered into doing the work I’m doing. This ability only emerged for me after a series of events where I simply followed the energy that presented itself to me. I certainly didn’t know it was something I could do the day I decided to start doing this work. If I had let my judgments or fears get in the way of me doing this work, I most certainly would never have developed this ability. I believe that’s true with the psychic abilities that we all have. We’re never taught how to recognize and utilize them or we relegate them to the “whackos” and deny they exist. I also believe that the time has come for these gifts to fully manifest within all of us but it will require a shift in our consciousness for them to awaken.

That shift is just around the corner and is connected to the year 2012. I’ll be posting more on that in the coming days. Stay with me.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Limiting beliefs

Science tells us that in Nature, when a species becomes very successful and begins to overpopulate, members of that species begin to express themselves sexually with members of their own sex. We all, animals and humans alike, need touch, love and companionship and in this way due to the decreased need for reproduction, same-sex pairings become more predominant.
This is what we see happening with our own species yet because we cling to our old way of thinking and follow teachings written during a different time, we persecute members of our species for doing what is perfectly normal in nature. We hold to the patterns passed on to us from generations before whose successful breeding was necessary to get us to this point as a species and we miss the evolutionary shift that our species is undergoing. We turn our back on nature because it is not in alignment with our archaic belief system.

The time has come to reevaluate our beliefs and that can be very challenging for most of us because change is scary. Many hold the belief that the patterns which brought us here are the only ones that work and to change them is to disobey God. They do not leave room for the evolutionary movements of our species and the nature of nature to transform. Our history is replete with information about our evolutionary journey from pre-historic caveman to becoming the most successful and destructive species on the planet yet many want to deny our ability to, capacity for and history of change.

Religions which have created documents to guide their members and keep a record of the history of the religion confuse these historical documents created by man as “facts from God” and persecute those who do not follow their belief system. They see everyone not following their belief system as separate from them and they attack them. These attacks come in many forms from social pressures to full-scale war. That indignant sense of separation is what is behind every war on our planet. These wars can never bring us the peace that ultimately we all seek. They continue the cycle of violence and destruction, destroy lives and families, wreak havoc on our planet and feel justified “in the name of God.”

Imagine what this planet would look like if every dollar spent on perpetuating war were spent instead on research into disease, space exploration or technology to benefit our species. With a species as intelligent, creative and powerful as ours, there is no limit to what we could do if we could simply focus our energies toward these positive ends rather than toward destruction. Instead, we focus on our fears and we attempt to destroy anyone or anything which we believe is not one of us. This practice cannot continue without disastrous results but this change is not possible without a radical shift in our perspective and a willingness to change.

By examining our history as a species however it is easy to see that change can be challenging for us especially when we are dealing with deeply embedded belief systems. When the belief system we are dealing with is one which challenges our belief in the workings of the Higher Power, violent, even deadly, responses are often the norm. There seems to be an overriding philosophy that if you don’t believe the way I do, the best thing I can do is kill you. Despite the basic principle behind every world religion which teaches us to love one another we continue to kill in God’s name. This must stop before it’s too late. We must learn that as the most prolific, powerful and successful species on the planet, we are capable of so much more and we must be willing to explore the depths of our power for good rather than directing it toward destruction.

In looking at where we are currently headed, we need to project out towards a successful end-point and understand what that might look like. The easiest example for Americans to see is the Iraq war. The only outcome which we currently believe will define success is one in which we eliminate all of the “terrorists” (meaning those who don’t believe what we do) and we have control of the land and its people. To have this control, they must believe the way we do and become “like us”. In this domination power structure however for every person that we kill, we activate hatred in their family because we killed someone they love. How is it possible then for this to end in the desired outcome of peace? Or is peace really the outcome that our leaders really sought when they chose war?

We may get the fighting to stop in some area by destroying all of the weapons or warriors but we can never stop the hatred which will result from that. We have to find a new way through. This newness can only come from a desire for change and a movement towards peace, harmony and ultimately oneness. We must be willing to drop all the things which divide and separate us and focus on what unites us. Life itself is that single thread which unites us all. With this thread we must weave a tapestry of peace and love which holds our awareness of oneness.

By focusing on that which unites us and directing our energies toward living in harmony we will begin to see radical shifts around the planet. As we learn to live with our differences, rather than sitting in judgment of them, we become more loving and accepting. More is achieved through cooperation than can ever be gained in competition. When we learn to live in oneness as a species and then as members of one planetary body then we will be able to move forward, consciously, on our evolutionary journey into wholeness.

Just imagine what we could accomplish if we all could work together rather than fighting about our differences.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The present moment

Live in the present moment. Such a simple sounding statement but to fully do it is one of our greatest challenges on a personal level. We are creatures of habit and most of what we do is because it’s what we’ve always done. We view life and our experiences in it through the reflection of our past experiences and we deal in generalities. For the most part we are guided by our fears and we cut ourselves off from the power that is possible only in the present moment.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. When I hear anyone use the word “God” I almost immediately recoil or cut them off because I believe they hold the same limited view of God as those in the Baptist church. Rather than allow myself to be hurt by their angry words again I mentally block them out or discount them. It’s not something that I’ve consciously set out to do but certainly something that I’ve begun to notice that I do unconsciously. Unfortunately that’s not the only thing I do like that, thus the challenge of living in the present moment.

Those that know me know that I’m not a big fan of “The Church” especially Christian churches and that is because I’ve suffered so many wounds from them and see the hurt that the teachings have inflicted upon so many others. I deal with men every day who live in shame of who they are because they believe that the Christian teachings are gospel. Even if they are no longer associated with the church, their past association has them believing that the Bible is God’s doctrine. These beliefs were given to us, of course, by the church because it’s what those in power believe. The Bible itself is shrouded in mystery and controversy.

My problems with the church are many but at the core the issue is their limiting belief of God. In essence they teach that God is a judgmental superhuman that has created everything and is sitting in judgment of our every action. At the end of our life we’re then given a big reward or tossed into a pit of fire as punishment. Eternal pleasure or pain awaits our soul as a result of 70 to 80 years of human life. It just doesn’t add up yet we’re taught to fear this wrathful God and to judge ourselves mercilessly as a way to win favor with this being. That view and even concept of God is so limiting and causes so much pain in our world.

After graduating from high school and spending the next 20 years running from the church and all their teachings I came to realize that I need to face my fears and try looking at it another way. Slowly over the last 10 years of my life I’ve watched my life transform as my view of God, or Source as I now call it, has changed. I no longer project my human views and qualities onto that entity rather I see Source as an energy field from which all of creation has emerged.

Science teaches us that everything we see in the physical realm is made out of atoms and molecules. These group together and form cells. Cells group together and form the animals, plants and minerals. At the subatomic level we are all a collection of billions of molecules acting together to form our bodies. That energy field which created the molecules that then becomes me or you is what I think of as Source. It is the source of our existence and it is the field to which our bodies will eventually decay and return to. In essence it is what Christians would see as the Creator, Heaven and Hell, all in one. It is simply another way to attempt to explain the unexplainable, but without the dogma.

In a way, it’s a lot like language. We took sounds that we made and formed an alphabet of letters from that. We take the alphabet of the language we speak and pair the letters together to form words. We impose meaning upon the words to define them and give them their power. These words then get grouped together to form sentences and paragraphs and thus express ideas and generate thought. Ultimately however if I could take all the words that you see here and shake them all together, we’d be left with a pile of harmless, meaningless letters. Our bodies are a lot like that. We are a bunch of molecules hanging out together forming the sentences which are our organs and the paragraph which is our body.

Ultimately the concepts of God, the Devil, Heaven and Hell are all constructs of the Church. All of these ideas were created by the church thousands of years ago to try and explain why we are here. Unfortunately these constructs have taken on a life of their own apart from the church doctrine but we lose sight of that. People spend time trying to say that their God is this that or the other and not like that. I think this is a source of much debate, discussion and divisiveness amongst people. It divides us rather than unites us.

I know for me, when I chose to leave the church, I ran from their judgmental teachings but held on to the concepts of “God”, the “Devil”, “Heaven” and “Hell” and sought other teachings that explained these “entities” as more loving and compassionate. It wasn’t until I really took a deeper look at the source of my fears relating to these concepts that I realized I had to drop these concepts as well to fully live in the present moment. Each of these words holds the energy that has been put into them by the church. Stop for a moment and think of any one of those words and just watch all the ideas and concepts that emerge in your mind. That is the embedded power of words.

In understanding that these words have this embedded power and we can seek liberation by selecting new words which describe our truth rather than trying to find a better definition of the old words. For example simply choosing to use the word “Source” rather than “God” is not enough. It’s not just choosing a different word for it, it’s about being aware of the definition we hold for the words we use and using words that describe our truth. We must liberate our minds from these concepts which divide us and ultimately lead to war and destruction and instead focus on what unites us as a people. Ultimately none of us will exit this life alive so we have to ask ourselves what will bring us joy, peace, love and happiness until that departure time arrives and put our focus on those things.

This is where awareness comes in. Words that lead us to judgment cut us off from experiencing life in the present moment. We can’t be open and accepting to life unfolding and sit in judgment of it at the same time. Judgment holds us to the past. Life is in the present. Our true power resides only in the present moment. Be aware of your thoughts. Claim your power. Transform your life.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Reactions

Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten a lot of responses to my “No more secrets” posting. That is certainly a word that holds a strong emotional charge with a lot of people. The main response from my clients has been to tell me that they don’t see me as a whore but rather as a healer. Their loving support has been so clear in their responses but the fact is I am a whore…BUT that’s not all that I am. It’s just one tiny part of me but it does not define me.

Many words describe me but I don’t know of any single word that defines me completely. When people see that my work involves sexual contact, whore is a word that comes to mind because of the energy that the word holds. I have to be willing to own that part of me and its association with my work otherwise it becomes part of my shadow self. Our shadow self is all those parts of ourselves that we deny.

Part of the reason that I am doing this blog and sharing this information about myself is so that I can begin to more fully express my authentic self. When we hide a part of ourselves from others either by omission or by denial or rejection, our personality becomes splintered. Often times when we experience emotional trauma, the experience can be so intense that we deny the experience happened so that we can continue to function rationally. We mentally block it out and even deny that it occurred. It is a coping mechanism but now that becomes a part of ourselves separate from the identity that we present to the world. For the most part we fool ourselves into believing that others can’t see it either. Anytime that we create a lie about ourselves or deny part of who we are, we create a splintered personality because we aren’t owning the full measure of our identity.

The more of these splintered personalities that we have, the further from wholeness we are. As long as we create different personalities to express to different people who we want them to think we are, we can never be whole. Wholeness is what I am seeking by removing the need to lie to anyone about anything that I am. Granted that’s not to say that I plan on sharing every little detail about who I am with everyone but I’m not going to deny something that is such a major part of my life. I do work that involves sexual contact and work is a major part of my life. What others think of me or my work is something that I cannot control but the choice to be honest about who I am is completely under my control.

One of my best friends who works as a Dominatrix, has been instrumental in helping me to own the whore part of myself. She told me that I could see myself as a “high calling whore” if I wanted but the fact is that it is still being a whore. I can try and deny that part of my work but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true, it just means that I’m in denial about it. I think that’s true for many things about many people, myself included. It is however just one small part of who and I am and it does not fully define me or the work.

Many of my clients tell me that they see me as a healer. I’m deeply honored that they can use that word to describe me and I own that as well. I’m also lots of other words…son, brother, partner, friend, counselor, teacher, student, Shaman, Yogi, Reiki channel…but no single word defines me, including whore. In order for me to be able to help others heal those splintered parts of their personality, I have to do the same for myself. I have to lead by example by learning from my experiences and helping others to learn from theirs. I don’t do the healing but I can help open a pathway for others to heal themselves. Healing comes from within. The essence of my work is creating a safe space for guys to learn to love themselves by exploring their sexuality and embracing the fullness of it without judging themselves for it.

The world in general wants to tear us down. In a competitive world there is the belief that to make ourselves look taller we have to cut off everyone else’s head. If we want to get ahead we have to leave everyone else behind. To make me look better I have to make you look worse. None of these beliefs really make us look any better. As long as I sit in judgment of you, it doesn’t mean that I’m better or even that my judgments are true for you; it simply means that I have a need to judge. To be whole we have to be willing and able to drop all judgments, of others and ourselves. In truth, the more we lift others up, the bigger we become.

That is the key to the healing that occurs in my work. By going into erotic space with guys and helping them learn to love themselves and express their desires in a healthy way rather than judging themselves, the more whole they become. Healing is simply moving into wholeness because our true nature is oneness with all that is. To be one with everything requires that we first become one with ourselves which includes our desires, our faults, our strengths and our fears. Ultimately everything boils down to either love or fear. I no longer fear the word “whore” but I also don’t let it define me either.

Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Judgments

Recently my partner and I were talking about my work and some of the responses he gets from friends and co-workers when he tells them what I do. Most people when they first find out what I do, they respond from a place of habit. Sex work means whore. Whore is bad. And they really don’t think much beyond that. I understand that but that’s simply patterned thinking based upon others beliefs and judgments.

I will freely admit that 5 years ago I held the same beliefs. I certainly don’t remember ever thinking that being a sex worker was something that I wanted to grow up to become. In fact, it was about the last thing that I ever thought I’d find myself doing because I’ve always thought that to be very spiritual I couldn’t be very sexual. Spirituality has been a guiding force in my life and many religious teachings downplay or even demonize sexuality. From as early as I can remember I have dreamed of being a healer therefore I thought I had to suppress my sexuality.

In ancient Babylonia before the birth of the Christian movement, Paganism was the dominate spiritual practice. People believed in worshiping nature and the Earth. They saw man as an extension of nature and sought to live in harmony with their surroundings. By understanding that sexuality was nature expressing itself as the desire to create, they honored its power. They personified nature’s ability to reproduce itself as the Goddess. Their religious beliefs were based upon worshipping the feminine aspect of the Divine.

In their temples, the females were in charge and used sexual energy as a way of connecting with the Divine. At the time, a “temple whore” was the human link to the Divine. They represented the Goddess manifest in human form and they used sexual practices as part of their worship rituals. The whores were highly respected leaders of the Pagan movement.

Other spiritual practices of the time, such as Tantra from India, played a part in this as well. These ancient teachings used the human body as the platform for connecting with the Divine. Rather than judging the movement of sexual energy through the body, they saw it as natural and beautiful and celebrated it. As an expression of the Divine, they knew it held incredible power and sought to use that power to move toward enlightenment.

All that began to change as the Christian movement began taking hold. As the Romans began to conquer the land, they brought their new religion with them. When any group invades a land to take control of it one of the first things they do is destroy the historical record of the inhabitants of the land. The best way to completely defeat a culture is to destroy all records of its existence. They also begin setting up a system of governance like their own. This includes religion and during the time that meant conversion or death were the options for non-Christians. (Does this sound familiar? Art museums and archives “mysteriously looted and destroyed in Iraq”…overthrown government…)

History is written by the winners. One of the easiest ways to control people is to control their religion. Make them fear a God more powerful than man and then align yourself with that God as its human intercessor. By creating doctrine that outlines the behavior you seek and demonizing their former religious beliefs and practices, you can more easily keep the followers of that religion in line. This is what happened when the Romans took over and converted (by threat of death) everyone to Christianity. The matriarchal Pagan teachings were replaced by the patriarchal Christian teachings. This meant that men were now saviors and Divine and women were second class citizens and whores were now considered evil.

As a country dominated by Christianity, does it really come as a surprise then that in America we hold these same beliefs? Whether we follow that belief system or not, that belief is ingrained into our culture and we are all products of that culture. If sex is where our true power to create is generated, then to remain in power over the people, you need to control their sexuality and thus control them. This has been the philosophy that has separated us from our power and causes us to believe that anyone dealing with sexual energy is bad.

It’s time that we looked at the source of our beliefs and challenged those beliefs to decide if they are true for us or if they are beliefs imposed upon or handed down to us. We all have bodies. We all have sex. As long as we believe that either are “bad” then we are locked into the belief that we are bad. The belief that we are bad holds us back from realizing our fullest potential as pure expressions of the loving energy of the Divine.

Just as we do with clothes, at times we must look at our beliefs and determine if they are still the right size for us. Those that we take on in our youth may not truly fit us as adults yet we are too often still guided by and in many cases are imprisoned by them. Unfortunately beliefs are harder to sort through because all too often we don’t even recognize them. We think what we think based upon our beliefs and we believe that “that’s just the way I am” or “that’s how I was raised” and we deny our power to change.

Any belief which causes us to sit in judgment of another is a belief that we need to examine more closely. Judgment separates us. Love and compassion unite us. The more we begin to recognize our oneness with the Divine and ultimately all that is, the more we know we must constantly move toward love in our every thought and every action. This is especially true to those thoughts and actions directed at ourselves. Loving all that is begins with loving ourselves completely and radiating that love outward from there.

Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Leaping

Yesterday I really put the pressure on myself with this blog. I sent a mass email out to my client base and told them about it. As scary as that was, knowing that I have an audience for this blog will motivate me to write and that’s what I’ve wanted. For quite some time now I’ve “intended” to do more writing but resisted out of the fear of not being a good enough writer, or having anything of value to say, or having typos, grammar errors…and on and on. One of the main things I tell my clients when I work with them, especially before their first session, is to push into their fears and the fears will dissolve. This is me taking my own advice and doing just that.

Yes, I’m sure that some things I say in here might be “junior league” spirituality for some who read it but it might be just the right message to move someone else deeper on their spiritual path. I’m sure that I’ll even use poor grammar at times and undoubtedly use too many commas and apostrophes because I do that all the time but I can’t let those little fears stand in my way any longer. I have to allow whatever comes out to come out and not be concerned with how it might be perceived. I have to focus on the inner guidance that has gotten me where I am today and that has motivated me to do this writing and realize that all those fears are connected to my ego and not my true essence.

I typically send a mass email out to my client base about once a quarter and I love when I do that. I have met so many wonderful men from doing the work and when I send those emails out, I always get so many beautiful emails back from them. It always lifts my spirits so very much to hear from them because they are always so kind and supportive to me. I feel truly blessed to have that relationship with them and I love when they share with me how something I said or that we did has had a positive impact on their lives.

From 1984 until 1999 I was a computer programmer and systems analyst. I was blessed at that time with a big pile of incentive stock that vested due to a corporate buyout and so I left that career so that I could pursue something where I could help people on a personal level. At the time I had no idea what that would be but I knew it was something that I had to do and with the turn of events that was going on it seemed that the Universe was encouraging me in that direction. Looking back on it now and reading the messages from my clients, I see that that is exactly what has happened.

The day that I was ready to turn in my notice (and terrified at the prospect of having no job), I received an email with the thought of the day that said “Leap and a net will appear”. For whatever reason that seemed to be just the right piece of advice for me and so I leapt and nets are still appearing. When I get emails from my clients telling me how the work has made a difference for them, I know I made the right choice. I’ve said many times that if this work can help even just one person say that it helped them in any way then it has all been worth it. At this point I’ve lost count of how many have said that so I know without a doubt that my leap of faith was meant to be. I feel so very blessed by their support and their stories.

So please bear with me as this process unfolds for me. Excuse me when I type “you” instead of “your”. Listen for the message rather than focusing on the words. I’ll try and extend that same courtesy to myself. I look forward to seeing what nets will appear from this leap.

Next leap: friends and family.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

No more secrets

Like so many others, I have a secret. My secret is only a secret to my family however and my hope is that by sharing more of my life with the world, including my family, it won’t need to be a secret any longer. Our family has many secrets that we hold and I’m sure we’re no different than most in that regard. Secrets have a way of slowly breaking down relationships because they keep us from being authentic and honest with those we claim to love. We fear their judgment, rejection or believe that if they knew the truth, they would be hurt. We judge the person from whom we withhold the truth as too weak or fragile to handle the truth and slowly we begin to unconsciously shut them out.

On Halloween in 2005, I was out of work, living on my savings from the stock I was given when I left my career as a systems analyst/computer programmer back in 1999. That day I was bored and had just discovered CraigsList. I decided to post an ad to give erotic massages to guys, primarily focusing on straight or bi-curious guys. My thought at the time was that it would be a fun way to pass the day and perhaps make a little cash. I hoped a hot guy or two would respond but I was over-whelmed with responses. Not only my day but my whole week quickly filled up. I was shocked by the responses from guys, both in the sheer number of them but also by the words from many of them. There was such a desire for this type of erotic touch but it was desire coated in fear and shame.

By the end of the 3rd week of doing that, I realized that this was more than just a way to pass some time and that there was the potential for a steady stream of income. In discussing this with my partner, he supported me completely in exploring this possibility and helped me find a space to set up shop. My first space was in an artist studio. It was just an average room with a large sink in it. It was affordable, functional and quiet. Perhaps too quiet. Immediately next door to my space was a studio being used by a used bookstore to process the books that they received. They were very quiet and after a couple of months they complained of “strange moans and groans” coming from my space and the manager gave me the boot. At the time it freaked me out because I had visions of the police showing up and hauling me off to jail. Fortunately that didn’t happen and it actually worked out, not surprisingly, for the best because I got an even better space because of the move.

At the time I was just doing erotic massage and including prostate massage to help guys learn to begin to fully love all parts of their bodies. I guess in my mind I hadn’t really put a label on it other than “erotic massage”. It was some time in the middle of the second month that in one of the emails to me a guy asked “will you have condoms and lube?” Condoms?! Why would I have those? I’m not a whore! Those were the first thoughts that ran through my head and I quickly dismissed him. The question though continued to nag at me.

The next morning as I lay in bed I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. Why would he ask me such a thing? That wasn’t anything I had offered in my ads. When my partner came to kiss me goodbye before heading to work, he could see that something was bothering me and asked if I was okay. I told him what had happened and with tears in my eyes I asked “Am I a whore?” He smiled gently, brushed my head and said “Well of course you are sweetie. Any type of sexual activity and the exchange of cash qualifies you as a whore. It’s just word though. Why are you so upset?”

His words still ring through my head as I write this over three years later. Without realizing it, I had become something that in my mind was the lowest of the low. Whores were uneducated, desperate, disease ridden, drug addicts who were doing what they did because it was all they could do. That wasn’t me. I was doing this to help guys feel better about themselves. I was using Reiki to help them heal mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was a healer not a whore. Turns out, I was both. Still am.

I wish that I could say that my journey to be at peace with saying that was a simple, easy, and logical one but it hasn’t been. In becoming the embodiment of my worst fear, a whore, I’ve had to really examine my beliefs, judgments and intentions around sex. That journey and the learning’s which have come from the experiences is what I want to share in this space. Sex is an experience that most all of us have had whether it be with someone or as masturbation. I have much to share about this experience and its deeper connection to our spirituality. I invite you to join me as I begin sharing the essence of that connection with you as well as the process of telling my family about my work.

I encourage you to visit my website and learn about my work and my personal background because it will help you understand me a bit better. That site is http://www.maleeroticevolution.com/. I’ve come a long way from the little boy born in a small, racist town in North Alabama. I’ve learned a lot through the amazing experiences that have unfolded in my life, the incredible teachers I’ve had along the way and the guidance I’ve received. My connection to Spirit is strong and some of the information I have to share will be troublesome and controversial but these messages need out and now is the time for me to bring them forward.

I believe we live in unprecedented times and we’re about to undergo change beyond a scale that any of us have ever seen. For many, the messages I’ll be sharing may be scary when taken at face value but when viewed from a deeper perspective, they can be very powerful and incredibly liberating. Despite what I believe lies ahead for us as a species and a planetary body, I’m excited to be alive during this time and I look forward to the journey.