Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Not surprisingly, I’ve gotten a lot of responses to my “No more secrets” posting. That is certainly a word that holds a strong emotional charge with a lot of people. The main response from my clients has been to tell me that they don’t see me as a whore but rather as a healer. Their loving support has been so clear in their responses but the fact is I am a whore…BUT that’s not all that I am. It’s just one tiny part of me but it does not define me.

Many words describe me but I don’t know of any single word that defines me completely. When people see that my work involves sexual contact, whore is a word that comes to mind because of the energy that the word holds. I have to be willing to own that part of me and its association with my work otherwise it becomes part of my shadow self. Our shadow self is all those parts of ourselves that we deny.

Part of the reason that I am doing this blog and sharing this information about myself is so that I can begin to more fully express my authentic self. When we hide a part of ourselves from others either by omission or by denial or rejection, our personality becomes splintered. Often times when we experience emotional trauma, the experience can be so intense that we deny the experience happened so that we can continue to function rationally. We mentally block it out and even deny that it occurred. It is a coping mechanism but now that becomes a part of ourselves separate from the identity that we present to the world. For the most part we fool ourselves into believing that others can’t see it either. Anytime that we create a lie about ourselves or deny part of who we are, we create a splintered personality because we aren’t owning the full measure of our identity.

The more of these splintered personalities that we have, the further from wholeness we are. As long as we create different personalities to express to different people who we want them to think we are, we can never be whole. Wholeness is what I am seeking by removing the need to lie to anyone about anything that I am. Granted that’s not to say that I plan on sharing every little detail about who I am with everyone but I’m not going to deny something that is such a major part of my life. I do work that involves sexual contact and work is a major part of my life. What others think of me or my work is something that I cannot control but the choice to be honest about who I am is completely under my control.

One of my best friends who works as a Dominatrix, has been instrumental in helping me to own the whore part of myself. She told me that I could see myself as a “high calling whore” if I wanted but the fact is that it is still being a whore. I can try and deny that part of my work but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true, it just means that I’m in denial about it. I think that’s true for many things about many people, myself included. It is however just one small part of who and I am and it does not fully define me or the work.

Many of my clients tell me that they see me as a healer. I’m deeply honored that they can use that word to describe me and I own that as well. I’m also lots of other words…son, brother, partner, friend, counselor, teacher, student, Shaman, Yogi, Reiki channel…but no single word defines me, including whore. In order for me to be able to help others heal those splintered parts of their personality, I have to do the same for myself. I have to lead by example by learning from my experiences and helping others to learn from theirs. I don’t do the healing but I can help open a pathway for others to heal themselves. Healing comes from within. The essence of my work is creating a safe space for guys to learn to love themselves by exploring their sexuality and embracing the fullness of it without judging themselves for it.

The world in general wants to tear us down. In a competitive world there is the belief that to make ourselves look taller we have to cut off everyone else’s head. If we want to get ahead we have to leave everyone else behind. To make me look better I have to make you look worse. None of these beliefs really make us look any better. As long as I sit in judgment of you, it doesn’t mean that I’m better or even that my judgments are true for you; it simply means that I have a need to judge. To be whole we have to be willing and able to drop all judgments, of others and ourselves. In truth, the more we lift others up, the bigger we become.

That is the key to the healing that occurs in my work. By going into erotic space with guys and helping them learn to love themselves and express their desires in a healthy way rather than judging themselves, the more whole they become. Healing is simply moving into wholeness because our true nature is oneness with all that is. To be one with everything requires that we first become one with ourselves which includes our desires, our faults, our strengths and our fears. Ultimately everything boils down to either love or fear. I no longer fear the word “whore” but I also don’t let it define me either.

Can you love yourself enough to drop your judgments?


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